I still remembered vividly that there was once my brother and mother had a heated argument at home. They were quarrelling about my baby nephew’s feed. My mother was supposed to come home and prepare fish porridge for the baby but she was late. The baby’s feed was supposed to be at 6pm sharp but she reached home only at 6.30pm. The baby was fed baby cereal at 6pm instead because he was hungry. The maid told my brother about it and my brother was furious. After work, he came home and confronted my mother about the incident. He wanted to know why my mother was late. My mother explained to him that she was at my uncle’s house discussing my uncle’s renovation plans and was not able to reach home on time. Then, my brother suggested letting the baby eat his baby cereal on Thursday and Friday as this will be the two days when my mother will be busy. However, my mother did not see that my brother was accommodating her. She thought that my brother was accusing her to be late every time. That was why he wanted the baby cereal to be given to the baby every Thursday and Friday. This caused my brother to explode and he started shouting at her, saying that he was trying to solve the problem but she did not think so. She argued that since she would reach home on time in the future, why should he fix the two days for the baby to be fed with the cereal. My brother said that my mother’s time management was always lousy and by fixing the feed, the baby would have his dinner on time. However, my mother was angry and insisted that she would still prepare the feed on Thursday and Friday. This caused my brother to slam the door as he went out of the house.
In what way can he explain to my mother such that she will not misinterpret what he meant?
The possible causes are personality conflict and misinterpretation: e.g. my mother’s stubbornness and my brother’s hot tempered nature and also my mother’s misinterpretation of his goodwill.
Goodbye Goodluck...
15 years ago
4 comments:
Wow!
If that was my mother and if I ever had a brother, my mother would have give him one tight slap. (Yup, my mom's FIERCE!). Plus, I would too if he was disrespecting my mother. Raising your voice to your mother is a big NO-NO. In Malay culture, respecting your mother is upmost important regardless of what she may/may not have done. So do note that the following response that I'm going to give is based on my upbringing and my culture's background.
From what I read, I do feel that your brother MAY have a tinge of sarcasm when he fix the two days. For goodness sake, she's late for only one day. I think he should apologize to your mother. Believe me, I think mothers tend to be sensitive especially when their children accuse them of not being a good mother/mother-in-law/grandmother etc. They will bottle it inside. Plus, my mother always say that 'old people do not want to feel as if they are useless'. They always want to help out.
Anyways, I think your brother should talk to your mother when he has already calmed himself down. Instead of letting the baby eat cereal, suggest to your mother to teach the maid how to cook the fish porridge. In this way, on days that she would be busy, they can depend on the maid to feed the baby. Less burden on your mother and less worry for your brother. Alas, more work for the maid!
Regarding your brother telling your mother that her time management was lousy, i think that's uncalled for. No wonder the poor woman is boiling mad especially hearing if from her son.
Hey Gary!
Such incident is something very new to me. I never know that we have to feed the baby on time. Will the baby be starved if he was fed 1/2 hours later than usual?
Anyway, I believe that your brother did whatever has has done because of his immense love for his child. I believe your mother understands how he feels as she has "been there, done that". It is actually exemplary judging from the rise in child abuse.
I believe that your brother is not a person who is irrational. He could have met with some problems at work and wasn't very emotionally sound. This incident would be a trigger. It is stressful to work. Your brother could have judged your mother according to his yardstick. He might be thinking that she has nothing much to do at home and couldn't even do a simple job properly. This might have infuriated him. I guess the solution to this problem could be found in your daily life.
Your brother and mother should talk often so that they would understand each other. In case of such an incident, your mother could deal with it better. She would know that her son is facing problems and that was why he flared up.
Although talk is cheap, but it could do things that you never know it could. In any case, your brother should not treat your mother the way he did. Your mother has already spent enough time looking after your brother and now she is doing the same for his child. It is not only out of goodwill, but also the love for her son. If your brother understands this, he could have calm himself down before erupting.
I guess your brother has to do some self-reflection and think of how to deal with the situation better. He could have said his solutions in a calmer and persuasive tone. Or he could even let the matter go and tell your mother the solution when he is not so angry.
I guess your mother is also angry with herself for starving her beloved grandchild that was why she could have misinterpreted your brother's goodwill wrongly. I am a culprit of twisting solutions around when i am angry. I understand how your mother feels.
In any case, I hope that your family would be as good as ever after this incident. This is part and parcel of growing up!
Great story!!
Firstly, I feel that your brother may have over-reacted. Your mother was only late for that particular day, there's actually no need for him to change the "menu" for thursday and friday. By doing so, it may make his mother seems fully at fault and caused his baby have to eat baby cereal instead of porridge.
Secondly, i feel that the tone used is very important. Misunderstanding often takes place when there's misinterpretation of the message. Non-verbal cues given must be clear so that the other party will not read the wrong message.
Thirdly, managing feelings prevents conflict from getting worse. When feelings were not controlled, it's very difficult effective communication to take place to resolve the conflict. Instead of shouting and slamming the door, maybe your brother should have explain to your mother nicely to allow better understanding of his stand. By managing feelings, it will also prevent hurtful remarks like " mother’s time management was always lousy and by fixing the feed, the baby would have his dinner on time."
Hi Gary, I had the same question as Miranda when I read your blog post. Must the baby be fed at 6 pm on the dot? Also, I don't think your brother had the right to be furious with your mother over something so trivial as the baby having cereal instead of fish porridge!
I agree with your reading of the conflict - that it arose partly because of your mother's interpretation of your brother's goodwill. People often misjudge the good intentions of others and jump to conclusions. This is because they are not listening actively especially in an argument; there are the emotional barriers that distract them from listening to what the other person is actually saying.
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